面對新的一天

The anxiety never goes as long as there is one day I haven’t get confirm for working permit. I have a very bad habit, where I will keep biting my finer nail when I’m too anxious.. I remember I have this habit when I was a kid, probably I was anxious too. I stop this habit when I start wearing braces; it’s been about more than 15 years after I start biting my nail again.

25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 
26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 
27Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 
28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 
29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 
30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 
31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’
32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 
33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 
34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:25-34 NIV)
Because of my anxiety, during May I just agreed on the first opportunity that came; by right it wasn’t a great opportunity, I regret after three days of working. I regret because it’s not a good offer, it wasn’t the best opportunity, I decided to resign after two weeks and I have to write an SOP for the company and train the new comer. Guess what, a shitty payment and been assign to create a procedure for the company to work; it’s really unfair for me and I do feel cheated, an intern payment and get to cut off the taxation for unknown reason.
When my housemate ask about my job, I really don’t know how to answer where I guess they will feel tired listening about my complains. Personally I don’t like to complain where I always monitor myself before any judgement, but the racism issue in the company.. I can feel it.. I don’t like it.. I guess that the main issue I quit the job.
Before that, I thought I’ll start working on July, a new job, but until now is none. When people ask “how’s your new job?” “have you start your job?” I feel anxious.. Really anxious, the anxiety just never stop where it’s affect my daily life.. Every day life.. Somehow I don’t like to talk about it, but people around me keep asking, even my mom.. I start worried about next month, the plan…
I know I have to keep praying, have faith.. Sometimes praying had become a daily habit, a homework and I hate myself of being in that day, it’s not suppose to be..
還記得高二的時候老師說賴床的人因為沒有信心面對新的一天,這就是現在的心情;擔心明天的生活,擔心的情緒嚴重影響了一天的作息,白天因為擔憂,無所事事的時間就這樣過去了一天, 因為擔憂一句沒有心情,把所有該做的事情都隔著了。
父啊,求神您帶領您知道什麼最適合我,你也知道我能夠勝任的事情以及我害怕的事情,求神帶領將恐懼拿掉,帶領孩子走在神的道路上,面對新的一天。阿門

 

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Stop Racism

CIMG0930The think that always come to my mind it, why we need education. I always believe that education lead people to think and to distinguish right and wrong, in Chinese we call it 明辨是非.

After living abroad in overseas for two years, every times I read some news about my own country, I’m thinking is this the country I use to like? is it that dangerous or it had become worst after I left the country? After travel to 13 states in my country, I saw the beauty of the country, I love my country. However, I also know that the political issues in my country had make racism issues become even worst. I always thought that it is just a trick, but why people still belief in those trick?

I remember I met a guy who is going to travel to Kelantan, saying that he is worry of travelling there; it is a Muslim area, but I told him is fine; people are nice, kind. That’s the people I met in personal, it is not suppose to be what we heard from someone else. It wasn’t like what we imagine, in fear.

Today I went to bank with a Peruvian friend, the bank officer told me that my friend doesn’t look like Peruvian. “How does a Peruvian look like?” He asked.

We always categorise people by race, colour. Is that a matter about your skin colour? your race?

My relative always said that we as a Southeast Asia Chinese descendant, we preserve our culture, even stronger than others. Yes, our culture, but somehow we didn’t realise that we also had blend with local culture. That makes us different.

I always believe that misunderstanding always happened when one part doesn’t try to understand or trying to know the others, than conflict happened, racism, discrimination. In the country, we always heard “You, Chinese, go back to China.” we fought back, we are not immigrant, we born here; stay in this place for generations. Read the news after Brexit, same thing happened; “leave the country! Go back to your country!”

Racism happened everywhere around the world. I experienced here, sometimes not the local, but from the same national citizen as mine. “If you think this is unfair, leave this country!” I would said this is sad, somehow I just want to clarify, not judging, and I would said YOU don’t have any clue what I had experienced here in the past year, Stop judging people with Your Mind. Don’t be such a failure thinking everyone should be the same and be such close minded.

Once again, I love my country, and I love meeting different people too.

I love to be Malaysian, and I don’t like politics, I don’t like to be judgemental. Stop racism! Stop to be judgemental. The world is so big.

 

Cherry Blossom

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This past winter in Taiwan is just too cold. The day after I came back to my country, Taiwan started to have snow, everyone was so excited, snow fall in Taiwan just once in about every 20 years I guess. It’s so rare, I don’t get the chance to see snow, went back to a tropical country that is sunny for the whole year, way too hot somehow.

Cherry blossom is not as much as last year, where they said it’s too cold, the branch got frozen, but I got the chance to see a couple of flowers when I came back.

It’s been two years I stay in Taiwan. Happy? I would say somehow crazy, I couldn’t imagine how my life can change if I don’t went abroad, I’m bless that I got the opportunity. Thanks Lord, because I know that without Him, I wouldn’t be here, without Him, I can’t even survive, He had everything for me, right enough for me.

Somehow I notice it’s been too comfortable maybe, or I wanted to be more crazy, that’s why sometimes I walk away from Him, but I knew that if I don’t walk on His path, I’ll need to take all the responsibility.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to rest and approve what God’s will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will. (NIV Romans 12:2)

For the future and job, I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but my heart will lead my there. Sometimes, I will think that’s probably my six sense, but that’s what the holy spirit will lead. I don’t know where should I go in the future, what will I do, but God has his own plan, we don’t understand it right now, but will do when we look back.

I believe everyone’s life can be beautiful as cherry blossom.

Graduation 2016

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Graduation, which means I just fulfilled a milestone in my life, and there is more stuff I need to do in the future. I feel anxious, I don’t know what I can do in the future, where should I go…

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Last week, finally back to church, I heard a voice, “this is home, here is it.” I always feel that I have a very close relationship with God, especially when I pray, some people said I believe it blindly, but I can said that I heard and he is there, when I seek for him, he is there.

He knows everything about me, He knows what I’m afraid of, my anxiety, my weakness, my good, He knows, He is God, our Father.

I came from a single family, even though my parents weren’t divorce, but they been separate for more than 20 years; conservative family than just like boy more than girl always makes me feel that I need to be stronger and stronger; I only can rely on myself, no one can help me.

The first time I been to church when I was 16, I remember I hate my mom so much, I hate her bring me to this world, I hate myself to be a daughter why not a son, I hate her just care about my elder brother… I remember the first time the pastor prayed for me, he said “forgive your mother, the things that she did, she doesn’t know.”

Right now, I love my mom, I care about my family, I fight for my right, I’m still afraid, but I know God is with me, Jesus is here for me, for us, for a better nation.