面對新的一天

The anxiety never goes as long as there is one day I haven’t get confirm for working permit. I have a very bad habit, where I will keep biting my finer nail when I’m too anxious.. I remember I have this habit when I was a kid, probably I was anxious too. I stop this habit when I start wearing braces; it’s been about more than 15 years after I start biting my nail again.

25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 
26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 
27Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 
28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 
29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 
30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 
31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’
32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 
33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 
34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:25-34 NIV)
Because of my anxiety, during May I just agreed on the first opportunity that came; by right it wasn’t a great opportunity, I regret after three days of working. I regret because it’s not a good offer, it wasn’t the best opportunity, I decided to resign after two weeks and I have to write an SOP for the company and train the new comer. Guess what, a shitty payment and been assign to create a procedure for the company to work; it’s really unfair for me and I do feel cheated, an intern payment and get to cut off the taxation for unknown reason.
When my housemate ask about my job, I really don’t know how to answer where I guess they will feel tired listening about my complains. Personally I don’t like to complain where I always monitor myself before any judgement, but the racism issue in the company.. I can feel it.. I don’t like it.. I guess that the main issue I quit the job.
Before that, I thought I’ll start working on July, a new job, but until now is none. When people ask “how’s your new job?” “have you start your job?” I feel anxious.. Really anxious, the anxiety just never stop where it’s affect my daily life.. Every day life.. Somehow I don’t like to talk about it, but people around me keep asking, even my mom.. I start worried about next month, the plan…
I know I have to keep praying, have faith.. Sometimes praying had become a daily habit, a homework and I hate myself of being in that day, it’s not suppose to be..
還記得高二的時候老師說賴床的人因為沒有信心面對新的一天,這就是現在的心情;擔心明天的生活,擔心的情緒嚴重影響了一天的作息,白天因為擔憂,無所事事的時間就這樣過去了一天, 因為擔憂一句沒有心情,把所有該做的事情都隔著了。
父啊,求神您帶領您知道什麼最適合我,你也知道我能夠勝任的事情以及我害怕的事情,求神帶領將恐懼拿掉,帶領孩子走在神的道路上,面對新的一天。阿門

 

Stop Racism

CIMG0930The think that always come to my mind it, why we need education. I always believe that education lead people to think and to distinguish right and wrong, in Chinese we call it 明辨是非.

After living abroad in overseas for two years, every times I read some news about my own country, I’m thinking is this the country I use to like? is it that dangerous or it had become worst after I left the country? After travel to 13 states in my country, I saw the beauty of the country, I love my country. However, I also know that the political issues in my country had make racism issues become even worst. I always thought that it is just a trick, but why people still belief in those trick?

I remember I met a guy who is going to travel to Kelantan, saying that he is worry of travelling there; it is a Muslim area, but I told him is fine; people are nice, kind. That’s the people I met in personal, it is not suppose to be what we heard from someone else. It wasn’t like what we imagine, in fear.

Today I went to bank with a Peruvian friend, the bank officer told me that my friend doesn’t look like Peruvian. “How does a Peruvian look like?” He asked.

We always categorise people by race, colour. Is that a matter about your skin colour? your race?

My relative always said that we as a Southeast Asia Chinese descendant, we preserve our culture, even stronger than others. Yes, our culture, but somehow we didn’t realise that we also had blend with local culture. That makes us different.

I always believe that misunderstanding always happened when one part doesn’t try to understand or trying to know the others, than conflict happened, racism, discrimination. In the country, we always heard “You, Chinese, go back to China.” we fought back, we are not immigrant, we born here; stay in this place for generations. Read the news after Brexit, same thing happened; “leave the country! Go back to your country!”

Racism happened everywhere around the world. I experienced here, sometimes not the local, but from the same national citizen as mine. “If you think this is unfair, leave this country!” I would said this is sad, somehow I just want to clarify, not judging, and I would said YOU don’t have any clue what I had experienced here in the past year, Stop judging people with Your Mind. Don’t be such a failure thinking everyone should be the same and be such close minded.

Once again, I love my country, and I love meeting different people too.

I love to be Malaysian, and I don’t like politics, I don’t like to be judgemental. Stop racism! Stop to be judgemental. The world is so big.

 

Cherry Blossom

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This past winter in Taiwan is just too cold. The day after I came back to my country, Taiwan started to have snow, everyone was so excited, snow fall in Taiwan just once in about every 20 years I guess. It’s so rare, I don’t get the chance to see snow, went back to a tropical country that is sunny for the whole year, way too hot somehow.

Cherry blossom is not as much as last year, where they said it’s too cold, the branch got frozen, but I got the chance to see a couple of flowers when I came back.

It’s been two years I stay in Taiwan. Happy? I would say somehow crazy, I couldn’t imagine how my life can change if I don’t went abroad, I’m bless that I got the opportunity. Thanks Lord, because I know that without Him, I wouldn’t be here, without Him, I can’t even survive, He had everything for me, right enough for me.

Somehow I notice it’s been too comfortable maybe, or I wanted to be more crazy, that’s why sometimes I walk away from Him, but I knew that if I don’t walk on His path, I’ll need to take all the responsibility.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to rest and approve what God’s will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will. (NIV Romans 12:2)

For the future and job, I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but my heart will lead my there. Sometimes, I will think that’s probably my six sense, but that’s what the holy spirit will lead. I don’t know where should I go in the future, what will I do, but God has his own plan, we don’t understand it right now, but will do when we look back.

I believe everyone’s life can be beautiful as cherry blossom.

Graduation 2016

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Graduation, which means I just fulfilled a milestone in my life, and there is more stuff I need to do in the future. I feel anxious, I don’t know what I can do in the future, where should I go…

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Last week, finally back to church, I heard a voice, “this is home, here is it.” I always feel that I have a very close relationship with God, especially when I pray, some people said I believe it blindly, but I can said that I heard and he is there, when I seek for him, he is there.

He knows everything about me, He knows what I’m afraid of, my anxiety, my weakness, my good, He knows, He is God, our Father.

I came from a single family, even though my parents weren’t divorce, but they been separate for more than 20 years; conservative family than just like boy more than girl always makes me feel that I need to be stronger and stronger; I only can rely on myself, no one can help me.

The first time I been to church when I was 16, I remember I hate my mom so much, I hate her bring me to this world, I hate myself to be a daughter why not a son, I hate her just care about my elder brother… I remember the first time the pastor prayed for me, he said “forgive your mother, the things that she did, she doesn’t know.”

Right now, I love my mom, I care about my family, I fight for my right, I’m still afraid, but I know God is with me, Jesus is here for me, for us, for a better nation.

Mother Nature

El Gamma’s Touching Tribute To Mother Nature (Youtube video, highly recommended to watch it!!)

Recently there are more and more people discuss about environment, pollution, El nino etc; meeting some friends who work in NGOs, trey are trying to preserve the ocean, doing campaign to save the coral here in Taiwan, pretty much they meet every month to know about what’s going on right here.. I’m start thinking how many people are there do really cares about it? People talk about it, discuss about it, but are we trying to do something to decrease the changes? or trying to save the environment? how many people are they do care about it?

Yesterday watched a Youtube video where it touch my heart. El Gamma, a dance group from Philippines performing shadow theatre; telling different kind of stories, create awareness. The best performance for me is “Mother Tribute”, El Gamma ; this performance was great!

Study in one of the top Arts university here in Taiwan, we went to a lot of performance, watching different kind of theatre, dance performance, recital, music performance, arts exhibition; but unfortunately none of it actually do touch my heart; don’t get me wrong, those performance are good, but El Gamma, they are doing a great job, a three minutes shadow theatre performance in Asia’s Got Talent competition, not only showing their talent, but telling people they care, and we should care more about it.

Continue reading “Mother Nature”

Thinking about future

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I always been trying to work hard, but however there is a lot of stuffs let me knows that work hard ain’t enough; work smart is the best way in this day.

Back in the past, if you work hard there is a probability that you can become a rich person, the Chinese immigrant back in those day when they migrated, they work whatever they the owner assigned them to do. They believe in someday, they can enjoy their life, they don’t think on their own but the next generation or next next generation.

Born in a traditional family, study abroad not only open up my mind but also had change my mind in a lot of way, at least I do appreciate what I have; learning to speak out my voice is the hardest I guess, I’m so use to write and express my thought through words.

A friend of mine said that I’m passive aggressive, as the same as most of the Asian; especially when i’m drunk or tipsy…..

Start to think about my future life, am I drowning? Recently I have a scare feeling when I think about I need to go to church, meeting people with church member, I’m was so blessing in all, feeling love, feeling courage; just afraid to go to church. I don’t know why.

 

Number 29

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During the winter vacation, back to my home country. Had a small chat with my dad, he asked :”In this world, what number is always increase but never decrease?” I think for a minute but couldn’t figure it out. “Age!” he replied.

I love my dad, but he stay far away from home, is very rare for us to meet up or have time for chat, but overtime we meet up he always inspired me with some short stories. He never stop me on any of my decision; this is very rare for most of the traditional family, especially we are Chinese descendant who live abroad. Born in a traditional family my dad had to hold all the bullshit from his family, he is the only person who is English educated; he do respect me as a person, as long as I am responsible for my own life, never make him worried about me.

Studying abroad, making friends with people from different countries, open up my mind. Now I do understand more about my dad, and why my mom hate him so much. Dad is a selfish person, mom always said that (a stereotype of English educated person or westerner); that’s ain’t true.

Officially turning 29. As an Asian, an age to get EXPIRED soon! “EXPIRED” is embarrassing somehow for most of the asian, but not me. Not ashamed of my age, it is just a number, that shows how much I had explore around and enrich my life experience.

Thank God that I’m here, healthy; smile to face the uncertainty of my future!

Desperate

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Recently accepted a case in freelancer.com, seem like a spam. I doubted sometimes where I do wish to finish the project but somehow I don’t think I can make it where we don’t have a lot of discussion because no matter how it goes, the employer never reply.I guessing I’m kind of too desperate to get a job right now, and I’m considering to report him as a spam. Well, the fact is internet is full of spammers.

In the meanwhile, I try to start drawing, zentangle is the only type of drawing I know where I just like to draw lines since I’m a kids; my friend look at this and comment I must be too bored, that’s kind of true. Waiting, waiting and waiting.

Well, is time to move on and finish my thesis ASAP. That’s kind of urgent.

I noticed I’m too bitter last whole week, I started realize my friend who work in Australia told me, how much pressure she had when all her roommates asked whether she got any luck to get employ, I’m kind of in the same situation right now, almost every day everyone asking me the same question.

I knew it will come someday, the Lord will prepare it for me.

let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.. And be thankful.  Colossians3:15 NIV

I knew

What a tiring weeks, rushing for pre-oral defence, I knew I didn’t much preparation, and a lots of stuffs is a little bit last minute settle, it’s went well. I really wanted to thanks to my friends who support me here and of course professors and office assistance that is kind for me, giving me a chance to do my defence. I knew I can make it way even better, I need t brush up my English, improve my English, and confident talking in front of people. Lacking of confident and standing in front of people is always makes me nervous, I have to overcome all the nervous to make it better. Is embarrass to say that, is almost 30, I’m still lack of confident speaking in front of people. Life’s is still goes on. And I have to said I had pass my pre-oral defence, and I have to rush to finish the another three chapters. Hopes I can do it faster.

Besides of pre-oral, I did sent out my resume hopes can get an offer before I graduate. Been trying to get interview in couple of companies, introducing myself and my knowledge to employers. Look back on what I am before, and now I’m standing here as a foreigner, I had step forward and walking faster. I really can’t imagine what my life is if I’m not here.

I knew I can be better, I knew I won’t be just here.

Thank You Lord give me strength and bring me here, without you, I can’t be what I am right now. I do love myself more compare to before.

 

Intense

This week might be a little bit intense for me. Got a call in the afternoon where it’s offer me a job, but I do have some doubt for this position. Trying to search some information about the company, it’s seem like not what I expected but kind of look like what I can learn from it. Hopes everything can goes well.

There is another company approached in the evening, after couple of emails sent, beside sending out my resume, they request for my previous works, show them some videos from my previous jobs, however they still requesting for a proposal. That’s kind of a little bit weird, is that a test before the interview or?

Thursday, is my first pre-oral defence. A presentation before I graduate, not sure on what my professor and committee members will think about my paper. Let’s trying to do the best out of it.

Let’s pray for the strength and future.

~My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.  Psalm 119:29 

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I always fall and fail in the past, Lord you know that I need you to be my strength and support. You are our hope and our strength in time of trouble – You are our ever present help in this difficult world and Lord I know that You hold the future in the palm of Your hands and I trust You.

Thank You that You are always there to provide for my needs and protect me from the storms of life…and I pray that no matter what the future holds – that You will remain there beside me. I know Lord that no matter how difficult things become in this world that You have promised never to leave me nor forsake me – but I also know that in this world we will have tribulation and trials – and I pray that You will be with me through all that I face in the future.

You are my hope and You are my strength and I thank You that You have promised that that no matter how difficult life becomes Your grace is sufficient for all my needs. Help me to rely on You no matter what problems and difficulties arise – for my hope is in You

Amen