面對新的一天

The anxiety never goes as long as there is one day I haven’t get confirm for working permit. I have a very bad habit, where I will keep biting my finer nail when I’m too anxious.. I remember I have this habit when I was a kid, probably I was anxious too. I stop this habit when I start wearing braces; it’s been about more than 15 years after I start biting my nail again.

25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 
26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 
27Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 
28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 
29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 
30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 
31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’
32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 
33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 
34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:25-34 NIV)
Because of my anxiety, during May I just agreed on the first opportunity that came; by right it wasn’t a great opportunity, I regret after three days of working. I regret because it’s not a good offer, it wasn’t the best opportunity, I decided to resign after two weeks and I have to write an SOP for the company and train the new comer. Guess what, a shitty payment and been assign to create a procedure for the company to work; it’s really unfair for me and I do feel cheated, an intern payment and get to cut off the taxation for unknown reason.
When my housemate ask about my job, I really don’t know how to answer where I guess they will feel tired listening about my complains. Personally I don’t like to complain where I always monitor myself before any judgement, but the racism issue in the company.. I can feel it.. I don’t like it.. I guess that the main issue I quit the job.
Before that, I thought I’ll start working on July, a new job, but until now is none. When people ask “how’s your new job?” “have you start your job?” I feel anxious.. Really anxious, the anxiety just never stop where it’s affect my daily life.. Every day life.. Somehow I don’t like to talk about it, but people around me keep asking, even my mom.. I start worried about next month, the plan…
I know I have to keep praying, have faith.. Sometimes praying had become a daily habit, a homework and I hate myself of being in that day, it’s not suppose to be..
還記得高二的時候老師說賴床的人因為沒有信心面對新的一天,這就是現在的心情;擔心明天的生活,擔心的情緒嚴重影響了一天的作息,白天因為擔憂,無所事事的時間就這樣過去了一天, 因為擔憂一句沒有心情,把所有該做的事情都隔著了。
父啊,求神您帶領您知道什麼最適合我,你也知道我能夠勝任的事情以及我害怕的事情,求神帶領將恐懼拿掉,帶領孩子走在神的道路上,面對新的一天。阿門

 

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Cherry Blossom

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This past winter in Taiwan is just too cold. The day after I came back to my country, Taiwan started to have snow, everyone was so excited, snow fall in Taiwan just once in about every 20 years I guess. It’s so rare, I don’t get the chance to see snow, went back to a tropical country that is sunny for the whole year, way too hot somehow.

Cherry blossom is not as much as last year, where they said it’s too cold, the branch got frozen, but I got the chance to see a couple of flowers when I came back.

It’s been two years I stay in Taiwan. Happy? I would say somehow crazy, I couldn’t imagine how my life can change if I don’t went abroad, I’m bless that I got the opportunity. Thanks Lord, because I know that without Him, I wouldn’t be here, without Him, I can’t even survive, He had everything for me, right enough for me.

Somehow I notice it’s been too comfortable maybe, or I wanted to be more crazy, that’s why sometimes I walk away from Him, but I knew that if I don’t walk on His path, I’ll need to take all the responsibility.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to rest and approve what God’s will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will. (NIV Romans 12:2)

For the future and job, I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but my heart will lead my there. Sometimes, I will think that’s probably my six sense, but that’s what the holy spirit will lead. I don’t know where should I go in the future, what will I do, but God has his own plan, we don’t understand it right now, but will do when we look back.

I believe everyone’s life can be beautiful as cherry blossom.

Graduation 2016

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Graduation, which means I just fulfilled a milestone in my life, and there is more stuff I need to do in the future. I feel anxious, I don’t know what I can do in the future, where should I go…

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Last week, finally back to church, I heard a voice, “this is home, here is it.” I always feel that I have a very close relationship with God, especially when I pray, some people said I believe it blindly, but I can said that I heard and he is there, when I seek for him, he is there.

He knows everything about me, He knows what I’m afraid of, my anxiety, my weakness, my good, He knows, He is God, our Father.

I came from a single family, even though my parents weren’t divorce, but they been separate for more than 20 years; conservative family than just like boy more than girl always makes me feel that I need to be stronger and stronger; I only can rely on myself, no one can help me.

The first time I been to church when I was 16, I remember I hate my mom so much, I hate her bring me to this world, I hate myself to be a daughter why not a son, I hate her just care about my elder brother… I remember the first time the pastor prayed for me, he said “forgive your mother, the things that she did, she doesn’t know.”

Right now, I love my mom, I care about my family, I fight for my right, I’m still afraid, but I know God is with me, Jesus is here for me, for us, for a better nation.

Suicide

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Suddenly got a message from a friend this afternoon, she wrote “we will meet in the heaven someday if I manage to go to heaven, Goodbye.”

When I first saw the message, I tried to call her many times, many many times, but she just hang up my phone. The second message  she sent me “No worries, everything will be fine, but if I manage to go to heaven, we still can keep in touch in the heaven. I’m sorry.”

I really don’t get it, I don’t understand what is that means.. I keep praying non stop trying to call her the whole afternoon, trying to recall who I can contact in Australia where she is in right now. The only two hints I can give is her phone number and her working place.

Last year, she decided went to Australia alone looking for job; I still remember last year we prayed together in her favourite coffee shop in Malaysia, after she heard my sharing on how hard I pray before I made the decision get out from the comfort zone, going abroad and keep learning, following the God’s plan. It’s hard, it’s lonely, it’s insecure. Everything we have to manage our own in overseas, even the basic human needs, I have to fight for it.

The first three months when she is in Brisbane, life in hard, it’s lonely; she told me she wanted to enrol in a counselling class continue her study, she told me she might have problem in financial, but she will keep working and trying to adapt to the place. There is some moment, she couldn’t find some job, the concern from her roommates make her even more stressful.

Two months ago, she told me she is moving to another place, manage to stay alone without roommate, have a quiet place for herself, and she got Outstanding Award from her company. I thought everything is fine, she is good..

I still have no idea how she is right now, I hope she is fine. I prayed, and I ask help from my Christian friend here to pray for me. I really don’t know how I can help her, I don’t have her mom phone number.

This picture I took in the morning while having breakfast. Lord, I pray that everything happened to her will be alright, everything will be fine, save her, heal her, lead her out from the darkness.

Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. Hosea6:1  (NIV)

Thinking about future

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I always been trying to work hard, but however there is a lot of stuffs let me knows that work hard ain’t enough; work smart is the best way in this day.

Back in the past, if you work hard there is a probability that you can become a rich person, the Chinese immigrant back in those day when they migrated, they work whatever they the owner assigned them to do. They believe in someday, they can enjoy their life, they don’t think on their own but the next generation or next next generation.

Born in a traditional family, study abroad not only open up my mind but also had change my mind in a lot of way, at least I do appreciate what I have; learning to speak out my voice is the hardest I guess, I’m so use to write and express my thought through words.

A friend of mine said that I’m passive aggressive, as the same as most of the Asian; especially when i’m drunk or tipsy…..

Start to think about my future life, am I drowning? Recently I have a scare feeling when I think about I need to go to church, meeting people with church member, I’m was so blessing in all, feeling love, feeling courage; just afraid to go to church. I don’t know why.

 

Number 29

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During the winter vacation, back to my home country. Had a small chat with my dad, he asked :”In this world, what number is always increase but never decrease?” I think for a minute but couldn’t figure it out. “Age!” he replied.

I love my dad, but he stay far away from home, is very rare for us to meet up or have time for chat, but overtime we meet up he always inspired me with some short stories. He never stop me on any of my decision; this is very rare for most of the traditional family, especially we are Chinese descendant who live abroad. Born in a traditional family my dad had to hold all the bullshit from his family, he is the only person who is English educated; he do respect me as a person, as long as I am responsible for my own life, never make him worried about me.

Studying abroad, making friends with people from different countries, open up my mind. Now I do understand more about my dad, and why my mom hate him so much. Dad is a selfish person, mom always said that (a stereotype of English educated person or westerner); that’s ain’t true.

Officially turning 29. As an Asian, an age to get EXPIRED soon! “EXPIRED” is embarrassing somehow for most of the asian, but not me. Not ashamed of my age, it is just a number, that shows how much I had explore around and enrich my life experience.

Thank God that I’m here, healthy; smile to face the uncertainty of my future!

Desperate

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Recently accepted a case in freelancer.com, seem like a spam. I doubted sometimes where I do wish to finish the project but somehow I don’t think I can make it where we don’t have a lot of discussion because no matter how it goes, the employer never reply.I guessing I’m kind of too desperate to get a job right now, and I’m considering to report him as a spam. Well, the fact is internet is full of spammers.

In the meanwhile, I try to start drawing, zentangle is the only type of drawing I know where I just like to draw lines since I’m a kids; my friend look at this and comment I must be too bored, that’s kind of true. Waiting, waiting and waiting.

Well, is time to move on and finish my thesis ASAP. That’s kind of urgent.

I noticed I’m too bitter last whole week, I started realize my friend who work in Australia told me, how much pressure she had when all her roommates asked whether she got any luck to get employ, I’m kind of in the same situation right now, almost every day everyone asking me the same question.

I knew it will come someday, the Lord will prepare it for me.

let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.. And be thankful.  Colossians3:15 NIV

I knew

What a tiring weeks, rushing for pre-oral defence, I knew I didn’t much preparation, and a lots of stuffs is a little bit last minute settle, it’s went well. I really wanted to thanks to my friends who support me here and of course professors and office assistance that is kind for me, giving me a chance to do my defence. I knew I can make it way even better, I need t brush up my English, improve my English, and confident talking in front of people. Lacking of confident and standing in front of people is always makes me nervous, I have to overcome all the nervous to make it better. Is embarrass to say that, is almost 30, I’m still lack of confident speaking in front of people. Life’s is still goes on. And I have to said I had pass my pre-oral defence, and I have to rush to finish the another three chapters. Hopes I can do it faster.

Besides of pre-oral, I did sent out my resume hopes can get an offer before I graduate. Been trying to get interview in couple of companies, introducing myself and my knowledge to employers. Look back on what I am before, and now I’m standing here as a foreigner, I had step forward and walking faster. I really can’t imagine what my life is if I’m not here.

I knew I can be better, I knew I won’t be just here.

Thank You Lord give me strength and bring me here, without you, I can’t be what I am right now. I do love myself more compare to before.

 

Jokes in the hospital

IMG_0640Seek for a dermatologist today. Been to that hospital twice it’s always came out with funny joke.

Last week, I accompanied my friend went to the hospital, he is a Peruvian Asian looking guy; the reception asked “Peruvian usually speak in English or Japanese?” I hold my laugh and answer Spanish. ==”, I don’t speak Spanish and we are speaking in English

This morning, I told the receptionist I’m looking for dermatologist department as I have skin allergic for couple of days. Even though I’m wearing a mask and hat trying to cover up my face, but the receptionist still can see my skin, her expression was “Wah!” pointing on my face with shocked. I knew my skin is horrible but don’t need to be that big expression, I know she doesn’t mean it, but it’s kind funny.

Well, doctor said it’s cream allergic from the cream that I use most of the time, I’m glad that after taking pills and the cream that she gave, my face start recovering, that’s a good symptom. It’s recovering soon.. Yei~^^

Insomnia

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A day without sleep, it’s tiring and less concentration. Somehow I don’t know this type of weather actually it will harm my skin where my face become super itchy, dry, painful and swallow. Keep waking up all night.

I don’t like to go out with mask and hat; hat actually is fine but not with mask, covering my face and avoid people look at me seem like I’m a monster. If this happen in my country, people will come forward and ask what happen to you and without judgement, unfortunately this is not the place.

Hope tomorrow my face will become better. I do believe it will be better.


I sleep to late recently, I wanted to have a normal daily routine, sleep early and wake up early, but too much distraction, usually at night my brain start working, functioning really well. Oh man, give back my normal life, normal routine.

P/s: I’m not complaining, I’m just telling myself to do it.