Family Trip

Two years of study is just like a blink of an eye, graduated as a master student, honesty I don’t think I learn much in the program but I do learn a lot in daily life, to thought me not to be a racist person, think rational, be tolerance, be more grateful, most importantly I learned not to said yes to everyone which that is my weakness all the time.

Also, I need to say God is awesome! He provide me everything that I need, learn to rely on him more, and keep praying.. I have to admit that sometimes I forgot, or I do it just like a homework that I don’t really like it.. The journey in a foreign country is not easy especially I have to deal everything by myself, even though I don’t have language problem but still culture different is a big issues for me here, learn to let go and be chill is the hardest homework for me.

My families were here during my graduation ceremony, I guess they were really exhausted as the picture below, but I do appreciated that they can come over here to visit me after two years. My mom was really worried about me although I keep mentioning Taiwan is one of the Most Safest Country in the world; I have to shoutout loud as it is really safe, a peaceful country!!!

To my families, I do love you a lot, I’m not good in expressing my feeling, but I really love you guys so much. Thanks God who lead me here, I will be keep walking on your path, keep learning and walk in Jesus’s path

Recall Day in Taiwan

It’s been a lot of time I haven’t start writing. I don’t know why since I came to Taiwan, I don’t have the inspiration to write, some people said it’s too comfortable.. maybe.. or maybe not. I’m just too anxious all the time.

Since I moved to Taiwan, I got a bad experience with my roommates, but first I have to clarify that I’m a good roommate and I’m a tolerance person, as for many Asian, our weakness is just hard to say NO to everyone no matter what situation. This is a first lesson that I learnt or is what God want me to overcome my weaknesses, tolerance doesn’t mean to be Yes all the time. Don’t get be wrong, I do have a good time sometimes, and a really nice roommate before when I stay in the dorm. She is a charming, elegant  and independent woman, we share and try to support each other when we have to.

After moved out from the dorm, even though my life had improved, but I pretty much live in poverty, I can’t work under the scholarship, keep writing my thesis while looking for a job. I remember June is my hard time, before that, I try to save as much money that I can when my parents were here to participant my graduation ceremony, half of the scholarship is the rental, another half is for transportation and food.

Few of months later, I got recruited such a good experience for me. After pass thru all this anxiety, even tho right now is not fully stable yet, when I look backwards if this path without God, I dont think I can be perseverance and keep going forward.

God is really great, he had changed my life 180 after I believe in Jesus

Simple Life

I always try to be tough in front of everyone where I started to have memory from childhood. I can’t be weak or else I’ll get bully from my brother, or I will get scold from mom. I always doubted why my parents bring me here since they hate me so much? Why I born as a daughter?

I always wonder to leave home or suicide when I was a kid, thats happened to me continuously until I grown up, always from home.

I can make my own decision. This is my Life.

Right now I stay abroad, where my dream come true where finally I can away from home, some people here saying that I’m a positive person, but in my heart I’m doubting? Am I real positive? I’m really Fragile, there is some nights I can’t even sleep, keep crying until the next morning. I remember one of my teacher said,

a person who are not willing to wake up in the morning is because they are not ready to have a new day.

Yes, I do admit that, I just pretending, keep pretending to stand strong and firm. I told my mom don’t give me stress, I just can’t hold those stress and bullshit from family anymore. I just want to live in a simple life, live happily. Just as simple as that.

Two years of conclusion

It’s officially two years i’m staying abroad, in a foreign country, Taiwan.

I still remember the moment I received an offer from TNUA, I was really excited, but pretty calm because I knew that I don’t have enough money if I don’t get a scholarship. One day at night, I checked through ICDF website, I got it!! I got a scholarship to come to Taiwan, the scholarship included flights, accommodation, living expanses, insurances and etc; stuffs that gonna covered myself here in Taiwan. I’m really excited, I told my closest friend at first, before I told my mom. Somehow, I do feel bad I usually don’t share my feeling to my parents, because I don’t want them worried about me. I choose to be calm to them. Dad is really proud of my accomplishment.

I remember before I came, I was really anxious, leaving the comfort zone, quit my job; most of the people don’t understand why I took this decision where I’m not young and in this age, I should focus more on my career, that’s the advices from most people, rebuild the career after graduate, blablabla, not a wise decision, those are the conclusion from most people I know. The only person who support my decision is my dad, Jun Hui, and Jayson; I knew mom and Alan saying congratulation to me but in the deep of their heart they don’t want me to leave the country. I remember Jayson told me that if this is something that I’m going to regret in the future, then just do it. So I took this decision here.

Day before I leave my country, 30-31 August, Malaysia independent day, and I in charge of Merdeka concert for Klpac String Ensemble. a two days performance, 400 seats, and the ticket got sold out in just two weeks. The saddest of this performance is our conductor Dr. Takahisa Ota quit, and this is his last performance. He is a wise person, passionate; he knew I’m not good in performing but a good leader, but I do try hard to manage well for this performance. I remember I cried, even a lot of players cried for the last song, “This is going to be the last song!” he whispered in front of us before the show end. He stand at the backstage, shake his hand to all of us when we go back to the backstage. Players like us who been trained by him for long time, we really hope he can keep continue leading us, but things just not gonna happened.

September 1, have a short chat with friends, half day of packing, prepare to leave.

September 2, night, Reached TNUA around 10pm. Until right now, two years. I back to my country twice, during Chinese New Year. Early of this year, I broke up with Alan, my boyfriend, I choose to be honest to myself, I like him but I’m not in love with him. I don’t know in the future how my life is, where should I go, I think all I can do is have faith.

Sometimes I just think I need to be patient, have faith with God, I’m just not patient to wait for the answer, I just wanted to see the something right now, I’m too anxious about the situation right now here, that I don’t see something further.

God, You know i’m weak, I need guidance, you know I’m not good in praying, i’m not perfect, God almighty, please lead me to your way, the way you prepare for me, you know I’m anxious, I’m too afraid, I’ll just grab any first opportunity that come to my life, you know maybe these is just challenge or temptation, guide me and lead me to the bright side, to your way, with your guidance. In Jesus name. Amen.

Finally Settle down at the current moment

Daphne has a job~ Daphne has a job~ Recently, this is the phrases my friend sing it to me, to celebrate I got a new job. Yes, I started a new career, compare from the previous job as a scriptwriter and assistant director, this is a new life for me.. It’s not that I don’t like my previous work, I still love it, but I wanted to learn others stuffs, I don’t know what I’m gonna be in the future, but so far still enjoying what I’m doing..

Recently, I notice I do complain too much. Kind of.. and again, I start doubted is this a career that God leading me? I really don’t know. I feel anxious after two weeks working, is not because I can’t handle it, it’s done pretty well so far, in this project run well, it’s gonna give a credit in my future thats for sure.

Now, I started to think, where should I stand for? How can do more for helps? My friend who  is an environmental economist, he does care about environment and all those stuffs, but in real life, does he leave like those environmentalist? I doubted.. As he said no matter what, the real situation of this earth can’t be change.

So what I wanna be in the future? I doubted.

面對新的一天

The anxiety never goes as long as there is one day I haven’t get confirm for working permit. I have a very bad habit, where I will keep biting my finer nail when I’m too anxious.. I remember I have this habit when I was a kid, probably I was anxious too. I stop this habit when I start wearing braces; it’s been about more than 15 years after I start biting my nail again.

25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 
26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 
27Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 
28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 
29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 
30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 
31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’
32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 
33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 
34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:25-34 NIV)
Because of my anxiety, during May I just agreed on the first opportunity that came; by right it wasn’t a great opportunity, I regret after three days of working. I regret because it’s not a good offer, it wasn’t the best opportunity, I decided to resign after two weeks and I have to write an SOP for the company and train the new comer. Guess what, a shitty payment and been assign to create a procedure for the company to work; it’s really unfair for me and I do feel cheated, an intern payment and get to cut off the taxation for unknown reason.
When my housemate ask about my job, I really don’t know how to answer where I guess they will feel tired listening about my complains. Personally I don’t like to complain where I always monitor myself before any judgement, but the racism issue in the company.. I can feel it.. I don’t like it.. I guess that the main issue I quit the job.
Before that, I thought I’ll start working on July, a new job, but until now is none. When people ask “how’s your new job?” “have you start your job?” I feel anxious.. Really anxious, the anxiety just never stop where it’s affect my daily life.. Every day life.. Somehow I don’t like to talk about it, but people around me keep asking, even my mom.. I start worried about next month, the plan…
I know I have to keep praying, have faith.. Sometimes praying had become a daily habit, a homework and I hate myself of being in that day, it’s not suppose to be..
還記得高二的時候老師說賴床的人因為沒有信心面對新的一天,這就是現在的心情;擔心明天的生活,擔心的情緒嚴重影響了一天的作息,白天因為擔憂,無所事事的時間就這樣過去了一天, 因為擔憂一句沒有心情,把所有該做的事情都隔著了。
父啊,求神您帶領您知道什麼最適合我,你也知道我能夠勝任的事情以及我害怕的事情,求神帶領將恐懼拿掉,帶領孩子走在神的道路上,面對新的一天。阿門

 

Oral Defence Pass

After two years studying in Taiwan, I had finally reach the end of the program. Thank You so much for my thesis advisor for her tolerant on my thesis delay. I admit that I’m a slow learner, but I do work hard, even though sometimes I’m kind of lazy, but well finally I’m done. Thank You Professor Su and Professor Liao who be my committee members and gives me good advises for my paper, I’m really appreciate it!! Professor Liao is an awesome professor, the things he see is way broaden, the advises he gave, he really useful.

I do hope in the future, somehow I can do something to contribute to the society. “We don’t expect to change the world, even just one, that’s fine.” The producer I worked with, she told me this before. I like her personally, but I guess somehow I make her disappointed, in the working place that people name it “forest” somehow too much negative feeling, I give up writing at the end.

During the interview, I always mentioned that I love writing, I’m passionate in writing, but somehow I think I don’t like to write story, fantasy story, maybe I’m not a creative person, probably; but I love writing about what I see what I care, I care about the society, the environment.

Last few days, I just almost try to sent my resume to Amnesty International, regional office in Lebanon, however I’m not qualified as I don’t know Arabian language. Somehow I do hope that I can help a little bit more. I always believe that if everyone try a little more, a little bit harder, everything can be solve.

I remember somehow during our play, I told our director.. I really don’t understand why people give up so easily, negative feeling during work is always happen, but just need to work harder, work to the end, I believe when we see the end result is always beautiful. it’s worth it.

Somehow I feel anxious about my future, but I do believe God is arranging something good for me, I just need to be patience, while waiting the best for me at the right time.

Stop Racism

CIMG0930The think that always come to my mind it, why we need education. I always believe that education lead people to think and to distinguish right and wrong, in Chinese we call it 明辨是非.

After living abroad in overseas for two years, every times I read some news about my own country, I’m thinking is this the country I use to like? is it that dangerous or it had become worst after I left the country? After travel to 13 states in my country, I saw the beauty of the country, I love my country. However, I also know that the political issues in my country had make racism issues become even worst. I always thought that it is just a trick, but why people still belief in those trick?

I remember I met a guy who is going to travel to Kelantan, saying that he is worry of travelling there; it is a Muslim area, but I told him is fine; people are nice, kind. That’s the people I met in personal, it is not suppose to be what we heard from someone else. It wasn’t like what we imagine, in fear.

Today I went to bank with a Peruvian friend, the bank officer told me that my friend doesn’t look like Peruvian. “How does a Peruvian look like?” He asked.

We always categorise people by race, colour. Is that a matter about your skin colour? your race?

My relative always said that we as a Southeast Asia Chinese descendant, we preserve our culture, even stronger than others. Yes, our culture, but somehow we didn’t realise that we also had blend with local culture. That makes us different.

I always believe that misunderstanding always happened when one part doesn’t try to understand or trying to know the others, than conflict happened, racism, discrimination. In the country, we always heard “You, Chinese, go back to China.” we fought back, we are not immigrant, we born here; stay in this place for generations. Read the news after Brexit, same thing happened; “leave the country! Go back to your country!”

Racism happened everywhere around the world. I experienced here, sometimes not the local, but from the same national citizen as mine. “If you think this is unfair, leave this country!” I would said this is sad, somehow I just want to clarify, not judging, and I would said YOU don’t have any clue what I had experienced here in the past year, Stop judging people with Your Mind. Don’t be such a failure thinking everyone should be the same and be such close minded.

Once again, I love my country, and I love meeting different people too.

I love to be Malaysian, and I don’t like politics, I don’t like to be judgemental. Stop racism! Stop to be judgemental. The world is so big.

 

Cherry Blossom

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This past winter in Taiwan is just too cold. The day after I came back to my country, Taiwan started to have snow, everyone was so excited, snow fall in Taiwan just once in about every 20 years I guess. It’s so rare, I don’t get the chance to see snow, went back to a tropical country that is sunny for the whole year, way too hot somehow.

Cherry blossom is not as much as last year, where they said it’s too cold, the branch got frozen, but I got the chance to see a couple of flowers when I came back.

It’s been two years I stay in Taiwan. Happy? I would say somehow crazy, I couldn’t imagine how my life can change if I don’t went abroad, I’m bless that I got the opportunity. Thanks Lord, because I know that without Him, I wouldn’t be here, without Him, I can’t even survive, He had everything for me, right enough for me.

Somehow I notice it’s been too comfortable maybe, or I wanted to be more crazy, that’s why sometimes I walk away from Him, but I knew that if I don’t walk on His path, I’ll need to take all the responsibility.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to rest and approve what God’s will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will. (NIV Romans 12:2)

For the future and job, I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but my heart will lead my there. Sometimes, I will think that’s probably my six sense, but that’s what the holy spirit will lead. I don’t know where should I go in the future, what will I do, but God has his own plan, we don’t understand it right now, but will do when we look back.

I believe everyone’s life can be beautiful as cherry blossom.

Graduation 2016

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Graduation, which means I just fulfilled a milestone in my life, and there is more stuff I need to do in the future. I feel anxious, I don’t know what I can do in the future, where should I go…

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Last week, finally back to church, I heard a voice, “this is home, here is it.” I always feel that I have a very close relationship with God, especially when I pray, some people said I believe it blindly, but I can said that I heard and he is there, when I seek for him, he is there.

He knows everything about me, He knows what I’m afraid of, my anxiety, my weakness, my good, He knows, He is God, our Father.

I came from a single family, even though my parents weren’t divorce, but they been separate for more than 20 years; conservative family than just like boy more than girl always makes me feel that I need to be stronger and stronger; I only can rely on myself, no one can help me.

The first time I been to church when I was 16, I remember I hate my mom so much, I hate her bring me to this world, I hate myself to be a daughter why not a son, I hate her just care about my elder brother… I remember the first time the pastor prayed for me, he said “forgive your mother, the things that she did, she doesn’t know.”

Right now, I love my mom, I care about my family, I fight for my right, I’m still afraid, but I know God is with me, Jesus is here for me, for us, for a better nation.